My Take: 

The Wisdom of Tenderness

Between this book and Abba’s Child, I think the good news of God’s profound acceptance found its way into my heart.  Thank you so much Brennan Manning, for being honest about your struggles and willing to confront the core drivers of your needs and write them down to share with others.  I highly recommend this book!

The crux of this book can be stated as such, “Do I wholeheartedly trust God’s likes me?”  When we encounter the heart of God’s tenderness, we are able to find and make peace in our lives in ways we been previously unable.

From the Book:  The gift of reconciling to His tenderness and mercy

The gentle growing into oneness, the reconciliation with the painful parts of our past, allows us to feel the accepting embrace of Christ. When we accept His tenderness, we are freed being tyrannical critics to ourselves, and freed from the enslaving barriers of our fears.  We become less defensive, more simple, more direct, more able to commit, more aware but less afraid of the forces that drive home our insignificance.

It is in the crucible of pain that we become more tender.  Not all pain, or all the world would be tender, since no one escapes pain and suffering.  Anyone who helps in the healing process must have experiential knowledge of pain.  Perhaps our particular brand of pain equips us to pray more passionately for others who are similarly afflicted.

“It is now quite clear in my mind that nothing REALLY happens in a person’s life until he has experienced and accepted the tenderness of God.  Only then can be tender with God’s children.”

Experiencing His Tenderness for Others

“As Christians living in the Spirit, we are called to pass on the tenderness of God.  The borders of our compassion extend beyond those who opt for our same lifestyle, favor our existence or make us feel good.”

Christianity is all about loving.  We either take it or leave it.  When we are narrow, cold, haughty, unforgiving, and judgmental, we push Jesus off his seat and take our place there to pronounce judgment on others, though we’ve neither the knowledge nor the authority to judge.  None of us has ever seen a motive.  Therefore, we don’t know, we can’t do anything more than suspect what inspires the action of another.  For this reason, we are told not to judge.  We just aren’t equipped to judge.  And most of the time, we’re wrong in our judgments of others.  Our attention centers on what people are NOT, rather than on what they ARE and what they might become.

Unrepented sin obscures OUR openness with others.  Sin locks us up in the prison of our own egos.  When we are closed and incommunicative with others, our own personality becomes impoverished. We trade tenderness for callousness and insensitivity becomes a lifestyle.

Ask yourself tough questions:

·       Have I failed to take initiative in alleviating fear, anxiety, and heartache in my home or community?

·       Have I had contempt for others: the less educated, different ethnic groups, economics, or religious, or          those separated by faction from me?

·       Have a dismissed others and tried not to make them feel their worth and dignity?

·       Have I sought to be respected without respecting others?

·       Have I often kept others waiting?

·       Have I responded only to those friendships which might prove profitable to me?

·       Have I blackened the character of another with harmful remarks, true or not?

·       Have I concentrated on what’s in it for me, rather than what’s in me for it?

·       Having a dismal response to these questions, can I still be gentle with myself as Christ is with me, and         humbly acknowledge His Word hasn’t fully taken over my being, and tenderly smile at my own frailty            as I accept my need for further conversion?

Disciples of Jesus often try to badger, bully, and bludgeon themselves into earning God’s mercy. The haunting memories of love not spoken, support not offered, compassion not extended, and abysmal indifference to human need suddenly resurface, sometimes decades past.  These unwanted recollections paralyze faith and overwhelm the message of Jesus, and often lead to drug induced states of consciousness, providing the temporary escape from shame and blame.

Pouring Out His Tenderness Onto Others

We can only receive mercy if we are prepared to accept the company that Mercy places us in. It is no good wanting to be shown mercy and then reserving the right to look on disapprovingly at all the other fellows.  Since receiving mercy is inseparable from showing mercy, unceasing prayer must include the cry to turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh.  Showing mercy isn’t easy when it comes to lavishing benevolence on ingrates who have no intention of reform.  Yet that’s what Abba does.  He himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.  We can no longer come at God with our unwarranted professionalism or our obnoxious familiarity, and we know it. 

We may begin to presume life owes us the best- and nothing less- but when we do, reality rarely lives up to our expectations.  We begin to take everything for granted that comes our way. 

The more we realize everything is a gift, the more the tenor of our life becomes one of humble, joyful, thanksgiving.

My Take:

Dr. Emmons thorough research convinced me that intentionally making room for gratitude every day is the key to a satisfying life.  He explains the differences between comparison gratitude, gratitude toward others, what I call “doormat” gratitude (which is not healthy), and gratitude toward God.  I personally am deeply motivated to experience God in my gratitude, but Emmons is very respectful toward people who would not share a theology that matches his.  No pushing at all.

My Highlights from Chapters 1 and 2:

Isn’t gratitude a rather simplistic and obvious attitude? We receive a gift and then we are pleasurably grateful? Researchers have found that gratitude is actually a deeper more complex phenomenon that plays a critical role in human happiness.  Gratitude is literally one of the few things that measurably change people’s lives and change a person’s set point for happiness.

Dr. Emmons and Dr. McCollough discovered scientific proof that when people regularly engage in systematic cultivation of gratitude, they experience a variety of measurable benefits: psychologically, physically, and relationally.  Even more importantly, their family, friends and partners that surround them consistently report that people who practice gratitude seem measurably happier and are more pleasant to be around.

What is gratitude?  Besides being pleasing, motivating, a producer of good feelings, and a desire to share with others? It is also:

·       Acknowledging good in one’s life (this involves recognizing the ways life is good.

·       Recognizing that the source of this goodness is (at least partially) outside ourselves.  This is one significant way gratitude is unique:  we really can’t be grateful to ourselves.  It requires that we recognize that we are the benefactor of someone’s kindness, and that our benefactor has intentionally provided a benefit, and that the gift has value in our eyes.

“In a world that was nothing but injustice, there would be no possibility of gratitude.”

“To recognize is to “cognize” or think, differently about something from the way we have thought about it before.”  Martin Heidegger was famous for saying “Denken ist Danken.” Thinking is thanking.  Thanking is mental exercise that is not for the mentally lethargic.  Gratitude requires contemplation and reflection.

The Heart and The Head: Inside of us there is a powerful need to express gratitude for the goodness we receive.

Getting What we Don’t Deserve: Gratitude also comes from the same root words that describe grace- receiving more than what we deserve.

Who Gets the Credit?

“For many of us, a grace-filled world view is difficult to sustain.  The human mind contains mental tools that appear to work against the tendency to perceive grace.  We are forgetful. We take things for granted. We have high expectations. We assume that we are totally responsible for all the good that comes our way.  After all, we have earned it. We deserve it. When asked to pray at the family dinner table, son Bart Simpson offered the following words; Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.” In a sense, Bart is correct. The Simpson family did earn their own money.  But on another level, he is missing the bigger picture.”

The grateful person recognizes that much good happens to him apart from his actions or even in spite of himself.

Gratitude can also be a response to unmerited evil.  We usually think of gratitude for pleasant outcomes, but it is often a response to unspeakable tragedy as well. It is not simply a form of “positive thinking” or “happy-ology,” but rather a deep abiding recognition that good exists under even the worst that life offers.

Gratitude and Relationships

“Ingratitude leads to inevitably to a confining, restricting, and “shrinking” sense of self.  Emotions such as anger, resentment, envy, bitterness tend to undermine happy social relations  But the virtue of gratitude in not only a firewall of protection against such corruption of relationships; it also contributes positively to friendship and civility, because it is both benevolent (wishing the benefactor well) and just (giving the benefactor his due.)  In gratitude, we show our respect for others by recognizing their good intentions.”

Benefits:

Adults who keep gratitude journals on a regular basis…

o   Exercise more regularly

o   Report few illnesses

o   Feel better about their lives as a while

o   Are more optimistic about the future

o   Report feeling more thankful, appreciative, loving, forgiving, joyful, enthusiastic

o   Are more able to cope with everyday stress

o   Show increased resilience to trauma-induced stress

o   Have increased feelings of connectedness

o   Feel closer to God

Happiness is facilitated when we learn to “want what we have.”

Reservations about Gratitude?

Some common protests have been lodged against choosing a lifestyle of gratitude….Isn’t that overly naive? What about the harsh realities of life?  Does it ignore tragedy and suffering? If I am too content, will I avoid being an agent for positive change? Aren’t grateful people too satisfied with the status quo? Doesn’t gratitude undermine our autonomy? What if I am justified in not feeling grateful? What about people who have harmed me, but also provide benefits?  How would I handle the conflicting emotions?

We will look at these. There may be times when gratitude is incorrect response.  We may be so biased by good things that happen to us that we might feel gratitude toward an individual whose intentions do not deserve such a response.  We may credit inanimate objects for saving our lives or bringing us luck to the point that we feel grateful to the object.  Yes, we can deceive ourselves into being grateful for the wrong things, partly because we may lack a sophisticated discourse for it.  When we don’t allow our minds to “steep” ideas, our discourse will be shallow.  We generally “hypocognize” gratitude, while we “hypercognize” anger, resentment, romantic love, and happiness.

Yes, gratitude can be a bitter pill to swallow, humbling us and demanding that we confront our own sense of self-sufficiency.  But it is good medicine.  Deitrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that we become rich.”

It is not sentimentality and sermonizing.  Sentimentality: It feels good, so we choose it only for its benefit of personal happiness. Sermonizing: It is a moral imperative—we ought to be grateful.  Shut up and start counting your blessings.

Rather, gratitude is a chosen attitude.  It is a conscious decision that is not always easy, natural, or effortless.  Albert Einstein said, “I must exert myself a hundred times a day in order to give in the measure as I have received and am still receiving.”

A number of thoughts block gratefulness:

·       Perceptions of victimhood

·       The inability to see one’s shortcomings

·       A sense of entitlement

·       Inability to admit that one is not self-sufficient

·       Choosing consumerist mentality over seeing oneself as a receiver of a gift.

Those who are grateful are more able to live in the moment without succumbing to the monotony and boredom that saps life of joy.

My Take: 

If you’re looking for a book to help you get motivated to slow down and choose your activities with care and intentionality, this will help.  Dr. Hallowell gets at the root of what drives our busy-ness and exactly what we miss out when don’t learn to be self-disciplined and make wise choices about how we will spend the precious time we have on earth.

From the Book:

The Truth About Connection

It takes time.

Connected Anonymity and Social Disconnection

Even with the “how- can-I –manage- all- this” syndrome, social disconnection exacts a high price from us.  Over the past 15 years, we have been unintentionally disconnecting socially.  Friendships do not hold our attention like they once did.  People are “bowling alone.”  Nearly everyone who contacts a psychiatrist is disconnected, although they often think they aren’t.  Social isolation increases depression, anxiety. It creates a poor tolerance of frustration, violent behavior, and hinders performance at work and school.  It also reduces joy in life, satisfaction in work, and finally, it attacks your immune system, actually lowering your life expectancy.  Disconnectedness is just as dangerous as smoking, high blood pressure, or high cholesterol for an early demise.  As people attach to those on the other ends of emails or characters in tv shows, they create an illusion of connection like a trompe l’oeil. We need the real thing.

Scheduled connection

The unscheduled connection often never happens.  Lunch Thursday?  Thursday’s no good for me.  How about never?  How’s never for you?

In the rush of today’s world, you need a plan to stay genuinely connected with living humans you know and like.  The number of minutes we spend each day with people is dramatically lower than it was 10 years ago, and that isn’t good for our emotional or physical health.

Why do we stay so busy?

·       Because we can

·       Because we want to

·       Busy is fun

·       We think we must

·       Everyone else is doing it

·       We tolerate leaches, we over commit,

·       We accept when others over commit us

·       Technology runs us, we don’t control it

·       It is a status symbol

·       We feel left behind is we aren’t busy

·       We think we’ll lose our standard of living

·       To avoid pain

·       To postpone what we don’t want to do

·       We think idle hands are the devil’s workshop

·       We fear boredom

·       We don’t know how to be not busy

However, when we do too many things, we become impatient, inefficient, boorish, and irascible.

Dr. Hallowell covers how to evaluate your time and make choices based on what is most valuable to you. Perhaps most importantly, he covers why this is so necessary for our spiritual, mental, emotional, and relational health.

I’ve decided to blog book reviews of my favorite reads.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned and give you a taste of what each book has to offer.  If you like it, click on the book picture to purchase the book from Amazon.  Happy reading, and I welcome your comments and reviews as well.

Amy